To: NPR’s Daniel Schorr
From: Sgt. Mom
Re: The Answer to Three of the Lamest Rhetorical Questions I have ever heard

1. The questions that ruffle the magisterial mind and furrow the brow of old-line journalism’s greyest eminence are, if I understand tonight’s commentary correctly: (a) how could a squad of Marines kill 25 civilians in vicious house-to-house fighting, (b) why did we drop a pair of 500lb bombs on Al-Zarkawi’s hideout, and then administer medical care when in turned out that the head-chopping psychopath wasn’t quite dead, and finally, (c) why were the three suicides at Guantanamo described as being aggressive acts, instead of being acts of despair at being held indefinably without trial (insert obligatory moaning here… the man reminds me of no one so much as he does of Eyore, gloom, despair and agony, wall to tall and treetop tall.)

2. Here are the short answers, Mr. Shorr; read and heed:
(a) Tragic and regrettable collateral damage, caused by the insurgents’ well established habit of not wearing recognized uniforms, and hiding behind non-combatants. Be a sport, and inform whoever keeps track of stuff like this, during a war… isn’t that supposed to be the Geneva Convention something or other? Someone has been remiss in their duties, I look forward to whatever moaning commentary you have to make about this. Please also exercise some proper journalistic discipline and skepticism with anyone who tells you that the Marines lined up all twenty, or twenty-five, or however many civilians, and executed them point-blank. (See rape victims at the New Orleans super dome, refrigerators full of bodies, massacre at Jenin.)

(b) Ok, so we’re softies. Our bad. We should have dropped a pair of thousand-pound bombs. Wouldn’t have made such a nice, clear post-mortem picture, though. I don’t care how nice the gold frame was, a bucket of blood and dismembered body parts wouldn’t have had quite as much convincing power at the press conference. It wouldn’t have wasted quite so much of the duty medic’s valuable time and effort, though.

(c) Because, as much as one might wish otherwise, there is a war on, and Gitmo is the POW camp? And the commonly accepted practice is to keep POWs until the war is over? This does mean, given that interpretation, that the Gitmo internees have an excellent chance of eventually creaking their way out the front gate on walkers, and hauling little tanks of oxygen after them, on the day the war is over. We’re just grateful that at least they managed to off themselves without taking anyone else with them, as is the jihadi custom in this degraded age.

3. Finally, I wonder how much longer you can milk out having been on Nixon’s Enemies List as the central jewel in your major-league journalism crown. Nixon has been dead for years, and major-league journalism is hardly looking any healthier.

4. Hoping this has been of help to you, in your search for enlightenment.

Sincerely,

Sgt. Mom