Thinking about mowing the lawn always fills me with some dread. I mean I KNOW I’ll be much happier about the appearance of the house once I’m done and will have no small satisfaction that the job is done, but damn…the time before I do it really blows.

I never know what time is too early to start mowing…especially on Sunday. After living in Germany for three years back in the 90s, it’s just so WRONG to mow the lawn on Sunday. But yesterday was a full day with another art fair with daughter and son in law and I know my neighbors are starting to give our lawn the evil eye because it’s above their lawns’ burnt out putting green length.

Speaking of the burnt out putting green length. Are we the only ones in the neighborhood who pays attention to the public service announcements that reminds us that if you mow the lawn on the highest setting you’re less likely to burn out the roots and kill the grass? We seem to be the only people on the block who aren’t mowing a dead lawn at this point.

I don’t bag my clippings. This also disturbs my neighbors. Sometimes the clippings get on the sidewalk and I think that drives them crazy. I don’t know why since we seem to be the only ones on our block that walk anywhere.

Whenever you have a tree that’s anywhere near a power line, everyone is very interested in when you’re going to have the tree trimmed next. Everyone recommends that perhaps you should do it NOW. You know, I’ve looked at the tree and I’ve looked at that power line, and it would take a storm coming in from due North (prevailing winds in our valley are out of the the West) and some serious physics calculations to bring any part of my tree down on that power line. Fuck you, it’s MY tree, I’ll see about getting some of the dead shit off it next spring.

We have a volunteer tree growing in our front yard which was, until recently, tree-less. This also disturbs the next door neighbor who has the same sort of tree because the leaves are very small and a real pain to rake. I’m not big on raking leaves. They fall, the ground sucks them up to make more dirt. Who am I to fuck with the natural order?

Dandelions don’t annoy me half as much as they’re apparently supposed to. Kids stop on their way to school and pick them. If they’ve gone fluffy the younger ones will not just pick them but “Poof!” them into the air. This is evil how?

Exactly when is it okay to stop watering and mowing your lawn? I’ve always just waited until the first frost.