You might need A.A., N.A., and or alcohol/drug rehab if:

You and the lead guitarist in your rock ‘n’ roll band are refered to by Gerry Garcia as “The Toxic Twins.”

You’re the drummer for Guns ‘n’ Roses and Axel Rose tells you you’re too damn drunk.

You can understand every word Ozzie Osbourne is saying.

You can understand Ron Wood at all.

No matter how much you’ve had to drink when asked you look at the officer and say, “Two beers.”

You’ve ever had a cop pull you over and ask you to recite the alphabet backwards, and you turn around and start singing “A, B, C, D…”

You’ve ever had a sobriety test and the cop tells you to do something and your response is, “Hell, I can’t do that sober.”

You watch someone buy a six-pack and your first thought is, “He’s crazy, he’s gonna have to come back in an hour or two.”

You’ve ever woken up in a different state, a different country, a different continent, a different car, a different bed, or in a tree…having no idea how you’ve gotten there.

You’ve ever popped a beer at a funeral…not the reception…the funeral. (Nod to Jeff Foxworthy.)

You’re driving a stolen car…the base commander’s staff car no less, and you’re in a high speed chase with the base cops…on the island of Shemya Alaska. (I’ve met the guy.)

You’ve ever had to hold onto a lawn to keep from flying off the planet.

Your wife, husband, girlfriend, boyfriend, children, neighbors, dog, cat just leave once you crack your first beer.

You’ve ever looked at a quart bottle of tequilla, bourbon, scotch, vodka, gin, or other hard liquor and wondered if that was going to be enough for the night…and you’re not expecting company.

You’ve ever gone to the bathroom to make yourself puke in the middle of a drinking night, just to make room for more.

After puking, you’ve walked back into the club and actually tried to pick up the prettiest/most handsome gal/guy in the place and then felt offendend when they backed away from your breath.

You refer to any night of not drinking/using as your “health night.”

You’ve ever went to bed with the most gorgeous creature on the planet and woken up with the Swamp Thing.

You’ve ever gone to bed with a blonde and a brunette and woke up with a Playboy and bottle of Lubriderm. (Nod to Pauley Shore)

You think writing your name in the snow while urinating is a skill.

You can walk into a club packed to capacity with attractive members of the opposite sex, and you manage to bring home the psycho-bitch/bastard from hell.

You can walk into a gay bar and not figure it out until after you’ve danced a few songs and it suddenly dawns on you in a brilliant flash of the obvious, that yes, that member of the same sex, is indeed hitting on you.

You’ve ever drunk bong water.

You’ve ever loaded your bong with iced brandy.

You’ve ever drunk bong brandy.

You’re largest regret about the transition from vinyl to CDs is that it’s really hard to clean your weed with a CD Case.

Your first thought upon hearing about the U.S. Liberation of Afghanistan is, “Christ, there goes the price of heroin.”

You honestly think it’s okay to buy oxycotin without a perscription for your “back pain” after you’re Doctor has already weened you off of it.

You think George Thorogood is a lyrical genius.

After watching “Pulp Fiction,” you wonder where you can get a heart hypo of adrenaline “just in case.”

A friend/drinking buddy gives you a hat that reads, “Instant Asshole, Just Add Alcohol” and makes you wear it whenever you go out.

You’ve ever looked at a guy three times your size and thought, “I’m gonna fuck with him.”

Some guy’s hat just pisses you right the hell off.

You’re friends are impressed the day after you’ve left a club with a very attractive member of the opposite sex…and you have no idea what they’re talking about.

You’ve ever dropped acid and spent the day watching “Watership Down” over and over and over again believing that if you pay close enough attention, you’re going to find some deep philisophical truth that will set you free.

You’ve ever been so loaded that you can’t find your way out of the bathroom. (Nod to Joe Walsh)

You sneer at people for dropping acid and abusing their bodies with chemicals because you know that your mushrooms and peyote buttons are so much better for you.

You ever thought Carlos Castaneda was a spiritual master.

You ever spent more than four hours in a car driving to see a two hour concert.

You’re still waiting for any musician, artist, actor, (fill in the blank) to just fucking tell you what to do so that you can finally get on with changing the world.

You’ve ever spent any amount of time listening to the radio because you know that tonight is the night your favorite DJ is going to “rally the rock ‘n’ roll army.”

You think that $1000 a week is a perfectly normal “party budget.”

You think that $1000 a day is a perfectly normal “party budget.”

You think that snorting cocaine is the “safe” way to do it.

You honestly believe that the government has it together enough to pull off any kind of large scale conspiracy and keep it secret.

You’ve ever been thrown out of a bar and had the balls to walk around to the rear entrance and pound on the door to get the crew to let you in.

You’ve ever swung at a cop.

You’ve ever swung at a cop…who’s surrounded by other cops.

You’ve ever drunk a beer in the back of a Paddy Wagon, and thought you were getting away with something.

You get pissed off for being arrested for “beers on the beach” because you’re a good ten feet off the sand.

You get arrested for DUI and you’re first reaction is to attack the cops with an anti-semetic tirade.

And finally, my personal favorite: You come out of a three week runner two weeks into any service’s basic training and your first thought is, “A plan, I must have had a plan.”

Add your own. You know you know these people.