Can’t stand the usual run of reality TV shoes, but for some reason, this particular show hits the spot for me. Eh, maybe I am a snob, but it is one of life’s small pleasures, enjoying the sight of horrible, tacky, manipulative people behaving badly. And there is always the fair chance of a harassed maid of honor – or maybe even a vendor – loosing it and administering a richly-deserved knuckle sandwich to the bride . . . or a long-suffering groom recovering his gonads and his sanity and ditching his intended at the altar. Seriously, we wonder how many of these featured brides even have friends and family even speaking to them, after some of these televised shenanigans. Some of them may in the ordinary course of things, be reasonable and well-adjusted people under a lot of stress, and some may be spoilt, delusional and egged on by the producers of the show . . . but airing all your wedding dirty laundry on broadcast television?

Besides schadenfreude, close attention to the various bridal-party meltdowns also serves another purpose: an education in what not to do when planning and executing a wedding. Seriously – avoiding anything that the Bridezilla of the moment is doing, purchasing, or generally having a cow over in planning for her particular nuptial celebration – might be a very good thing. Certainly the Daughter Unit is taking notes: sometimes knowing what not to do is every bit as valuable as knowing what to do.

So, in no particular order of importance, here are Sgt. Mom’s thoughts regarding the modern wedding – and how to have one without breaking the bank, alienating family and friends and generally becoming one massive cloud of appallingly tacky taste.

1. Don’t have a comic cake topper on the wedding cake. Please – not that one of the bride climbing up the groom, grabbing his ass, or installing a ball and chain on his ankle. Please, just don’t.

2. If you weigh more than 180 pounds, don’t choose a strapless gown, either for a bridal gown, or for the bridesmaids. Just please don’t. Especially if you have tats that will show.

3. It’s not necessary to arrive at the venue in a horse-drawn carriage, on a horse, carried by the groomsmen, a converted Brinks van or a stretch limo. Really, it isn’t. Plain black town-car is fine. Trust me.

4. Don’t, for the love of god, write your own vows. Stick to the traditional service, of whatever denomination that you belong to, even you only go to church on major holidays – it’s much more dignified. Seriously.

5. If an outdoor wedding, for the sake of your own sanity, ensure that there is a sheltered option available in case of inclement weather. And speaking of outdoor venues; early spring or late fall in most of the northern States is liable to be cold, rainy and stormy. I’m just saying here, that frostbite and pneumonia are not attractive elements, especially if you have chosen strapless gowns for yourself and attendants.

6. Accept the fact that your average VFW hall, conference center hotel ballroom or modern church parish hall cannot be temporarily made over into something which will be mistaken by your guests for the Hall of Mirrors at Versailles. Not going to happen. Adjust.

7. Don’t try and cut corners economically by forcing your bridesmaids/family/significant others to make your damn wedding favors and decorations. Either pay a professional, or skip it entirely. Don’t torture your bridesmaids, etc.

8. A buffet dinner is fine. So is substantial finger-food. Really, you don’t have to have table assignments for everyone: just the bridal party and your respective immediate family.

9. Rough rule of thumb here – tell no one among the vendors of relevant services that it is a wedding reception. Just tell them it’s a party, so many people, such and such a date, and you want this and such for noshes.

10. It’s supposed to be a celebration. For you and your friends and family. And treating said friends and family as if they were some kind of walking ATM is mega-tacky. And basically, the rest of the world doesn’t much care about your special day. Especially if you and the significant other have been living together for ____ years and already have ____ children.

OK – clear on the concepts. Good.