18. December 2005 · Comments Off on 12-Step Program for Recovering Military · Categories: General, Military, The Funny, Veteran's Affairs

(The following was sent to me last month by frequent reader Roy M. Read it, wince and snicker.)

1. I am in the military , I have a problem. This is the first step to

2. Speech:

* Time should never begin with a zero or end in a hundred, it is not 0530 or 1400 it is 5:30 in the morning (AKA God-awful early).
* Words like deck, rack, and “PT” will get you weird looks; floor, bed,
workout, get used to it.
* “F *ck” cannot be used to -replace whatever word you can’t think of right
now, try “um”.
* Grunting is not talking.
* It’s a phone, not a radio, conversations on a phone do not end in “out”
* People will not know what you are talking about if you tell them you are
coming from Camp Lejeune with the MWSS platoon or that you spent a deployment in the OCAC

3. Style:

* Do not put creases in your jeans.
* Do not put creases on the front of your dress shirts.
* A horseshoe cut looks dumb, not motivating.
* A high and tight looks really dumb as well.
* So does a low reg, but not as bad.
* A hat indoors does not make you a bad person, it makes you like the rest
of the world.
* you do not have to wear a belt ALL the time.

4. Women:

* Air Force girls are easy, very easy, not all women are this easy and will
probably punch you in the nuts if you treat them like Air Force girls.
* Being divorced twice by the time you are 23 is not normal, neither are 6
month marriages, even if it is your first.
* Marrying a girl so that you can move out of the barracks does not make
“financial sense”, it makes you a retard.

5. Personal accomplishments:

* In the real world, being able to do pushups will not make you good at
your job.
* Most people will be slightly disturbed by you if you tell them about
people you have killed or seen die.
* How much pain you can take is not a personal accomplishment.
* The time you got really drunk and passed the sobriety test anyway is also not a personal accomplishment.

6. Drinking:

* In the real world, being drunk before 5pm will get you an intervention,
not a “good for you”
* That time you drank a 5th of Jaeger and pissed in your closet is not a
conversation starter.
* That time you went to the combat life saver school and practiced giving
vodka iv’s will also not be a good conversation starter

6. Bodily functions:

* Farting on your co-workers and then giggling while you run away may be viewed as “unprofessional”.
* The size of the dump you took yesterday will not be funny no matter how big it was, how much it burned, or how much it smelled.
* You can’t make fun of someone for being sick, no matter how funny it is
* VD will also not be funny

7. The human body:

* Most people will not want to hear about your balls. Odd as that may seem, it’s true.

8. Spending habits:

* One day, you will have to pay bills
* Buying a $30,000 car on a $16,000 a year salary is a really bad idea.
* Spending money on video games instead of on diapers makes you a fool.
* One day you will need health insurance

9. Interacting with civilians (AKA YOU):

* Making fun of your neighbor to his face for being fat will not be normal.

10. Real jobs:

* They really can fire you.
* On the flip side you really can quit.
* Screaming at the people that work for you will not be normal, remember
they really can quit too.
* Taking naps at work will not be acceptable.
* Remember 9-5 not 0530 to 1800

11. The Law:

* Non-judicial punishment does not exist and will not save you from prison.
* Your workplace unlike your command can’t save you and probably won’t, in fact most likely you will fired about 5 minutes after they find out you’ve been arrested
* Even McDonalds does background checks, and “conviction” isn’t going to
help you get the job
* Fighting is not a normal thing and will get you really arrested, not
yelled at Monday morning before they ask you if you won.

12. General knowledge:

* You can in fact really say what you think about the President in public.
* Pain is not weakness leaving the body, it’s just pain.
* They won’t wear anything shiny that tells you they are more important
then you are, be polite.
* Read the contracts before you sign them, remember what happened the first time.

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