27. February 2006 · Comments Off on I Know I’ve Been Quiet · Categories: General Nonsense

I’ve been in the dentist’s chair a lot in the past month or so and Thursday they “extracted” (climbed up on my head and RIPPED) a tooth out of my head. Had a relatively good weekend and then this morning they “removed the temporary bridge” (used pliars to crush, break and pinch pieces of acrylic) from my mouth.

The drugs have taken the edge off but at the same time, they tend to bend the line between what I find funny and what the rest of the world may find funny. Of course, I bend that line all the time, but I’d rather do it when it’s my own sense of humor being naturally skewed vs having a vicodin derivitive “helping” me out.

For instance, when I heard that Saddam had ended his hunger strike, my first thought was, “Does that mean he’s back to eating Kurds and whey?”

See…that kills me, but I’m guessing the rest of you are thinking, “Okayyyyyyy, Tim needs a nap.”

So I’ll take one.

24. February 2006 · Comments Off on TCFW (Too Cute For Words) · Categories: General Nonsense

Cute Overload.

Via Dean.

22. February 2006 · Comments Off on Prepare Ye For the Fourth International EATAPETA Day · Categories: General Nonsense

That’s the Fourth Annual International Eat a Tasty Animal for PETA Day.

March 15th. Mark your calanders. If it’s warm, I’ll cook out, if not, we’ll head to a local BBQ.

Via Meryl Yourish who’s looking for a banner to promote the day.

21. February 2006 · Comments Off on Idol Tounges · Categories: General Nonsense

Michele is still live-blogging Idol if you care to join in the snarky fun. You’ve got about 5 minutes.

I do wish she’d go back to blogging. I miss her.

18. February 2006 · Comments Off on A Question For The Car Guys · Categories: Fun and Games, General Nonsense, Technology

If you could have your choice of a 100 pt. vintage Austin Healey 100-6 (or 3000 mk. 1), or a new Caterham 7 CSR, what would it be?

17. February 2006 · Comments Off on Caption This One (060215) Winner · Categories: General Nonsense

Tom: “I don’t need no goddamn shotgun to give you a heart attack.”

15. February 2006 · Comments Off on Caption This One (060215) · Categories: General Nonsense

Since my last effort was deemed by the cartoon cricket that lives in my head to be too tasteless due to a silent heart attack, (wussy cricket) and also because the media is practically ignoring the fact that former VP Al Gore trashed our country for money over the weekend, I offer this as a humble substitue.

Winners Friday Morning.

Other Bloggy Caption Fun:

OTB is on fire.

14. February 2006 · Comments Off on Cartoon Protesters attack Pizza Hut, KFC, McDonald’s · Categories: General Nonsense, Media Matters Not

Hedline from CNN’s main page, 1500 Central.

Are you sure it was because of the cartoons and not because some hash-baked kid stopped listening to Islamo-trip-hop long enough to screech, “I’m sooooooooooo baked and this crap still tastes like…CRAP! The Colonel, the Clown and Pizza the Hut must DIE”?

Or maybe someone figured out there was no way in hell that stuff was halal.

13. February 2006 · Comments Off on Caption This One (060213) · Categories: General Nonsense

Special Edition. Winners on Thursday.

Other Bloggy Caption Fun:

OTB is on fire.

I’m suspending this one due to the minor heart attack suffered by Mr. Whittington (the gentleman VP Cheney accidently shot).

Fun’s fun, but this has turned a bit more serious than I expected so…come back Friday for our regular captioning fun.

13. February 2006 · Comments Off on Another Conspiracy · Categories: General Nonsense

The White House press briefing today was some of the best comedy I’ve seen in a long while, with the best question coming from some female journalist who inquired as to whether the V.P. was considering resignation after the hunting accident this past weekend. A close runner up was the question, repeated more than a few times, of when exactly did the president know that Cheney was (and I quote) “the shooter”.

Well, let me set the record straight. There wasn’t a covey of Quayles, er, I mean quails. The place was thick with illegal immigrants. While Cheney was drawing down on them with a 28 gauge shotgun loaded with deadly number 7 ½ shot, their ACLU lawyer jumped out of brush with some sort of legal papers. Cheney froze, as the lawyer stood with the sun at his back and the eerie sound of the theme from the good, the bad and the ugly entrancing the entire hunting party. Just then, a shot rang out from the nearby grassy knoll and the lawyer went down.

Later, on the way back to the ranch, they came across John Kerry, bedecked in the most manly of hunting attire. He claimed to have bagged a trophy Quayle, I mean quail, but everyone but the Washington press corps checked the total bird body count and concluded that Kerry missed.

The president was wise enough to not comment on the ensuing fray because, once again, the CIA got it wrong about the presence and location of Quayles, I mean quails, that led to the hunting trip in the first place. Had it not been for the NSA wiretapping of the local game warden, the whole incident would never been exposed to the light of day. As I post this dispatch, Hillary is working herself into a righteous indignation while Bill is eyeing the cleaning lady while quietly singing to himself “… I ain’t nothin’ but a bird dog… “.

There, you now know what really happened.

Radar

13. February 2006 · Comments Off on Caption This One (060210) Winner · Categories: General Nonsense

1. DemoMan: “Oh, and ME? Um, haha, I’m wearing a tactical load bearing vest, a kevlar helmet, an M-4–wait, this won’t show up on my regular phone bill, right?”

2. Cpt Loggie: “yes dear, uh huh, yes dear, yes dear, no dear….yes dear, now thats one loaf of bread and one gallon of milk….yes dear……”

3. Seadog: “Can you hear me now?”

Honorable Mention because I never would have gone there:

Sgt Mom: “Lady, I want ya t’ believe me, when I tell ya this ain’t the $#&*@!! Victoria’s Secret!!!”

13. February 2006 · Comments Off on Note to the White House Press Corps (We’re Hunting Wabbits/Lawyers Edition) · Categories: General Nonsense, Media Matters Not, Stupidity

Subject: VP Cheney’s Hunting Accident

Look, you don’t want to know what the President knew and when he knew it, you want to know how come you all weren’t told right away.

I wasn’t even there and right off the top of my head my reaction is, “Oh I don’t know, perhaps folks were more concerned with the gentleman that was peppered with a 20 gauge than alerting the media.” I’m not a gun nut and even I know that while birdshot isn’t life threatening, it stings like a mother (hush my mouth).

Did the VP have a hunting license? Oh for-the-love-of-Mohammed-on-a-MoPed, who freaking cares?!

I can’t help but think that 20-30 years ago, this story would have been an interesting aside on the evening news at best.

Best thing I’ve heard so far: “I’d still rather go hunting with Vice President Cheney than go driving with Senator Kenedy.” Attributed to Rush Limbaugh…but still funny.

10. February 2006 · Comments Off on The Frog in the Kettle · Categories: General Nonsense, Military, Veteran's Affairs

Interesting quote from an Air Force Retiree News Service story today (“DoD proposes Tricare hikes for younger military retirees”):

When the Tricare health care program for active duty and retired military members and their families was established in 1995, retirees then were contributing about 27 percent of the cost of their benefit, Dr. William Winkenwerder Jr., the assistant secretary of defense for health affairs, said during an interview with Pentagon Channel and American Forces Press Service reporters at the Pentagon.

However, military health care costs doubled from $19 billion in 2001 to just over $37 billion in the 2006 defense budget, Winkenwerder said. And today’s average military retiree contribution for health care coverage has dropped to about 10 to 12 percent, he said.

“Their contribution did not change, while the value of the benefit continued to rise,” Winkenwerder said. If approved by Congress and signed off by the president, the proposed Tricare rate hikes for retirees under age 65 would be phased in over fiscal 2007 and 2008. That should bring up younger retirees’ share of Tricare costs closer to the 1995 level, he said.

(emphasis mine)

Does he think we’re stupid? Anyone remember what the cost of health care was for retirees before 1995?

For more information, see Timmer’s post here.

10. February 2006 · Comments Off on Caption This One (060210) · Categories: General Nonsense

Winners Monday if I don’t miss Monday again.

Other Bloggy Caption Fun:

OTB
Wizbang

08. February 2006 · Comments Off on Caption This One (060203) Winner · Categories: General Nonsense

(U.S. Air Force photo by Capt. James Bressendorff)

Paul’s made me chuckle: “Despite his heroic efforts, SSgt. Toynbee was unable to resuscitate the fallen sandbag. ”

DemoMan wins the Geeky Obscure Star Trek Reference Award (GOSTRA!) with: “Ugly bag of mostly water experiments with pre-warp era disrupter technology.”

06. February 2006 · Comments Off on Danish Cartoons, Redoux · Categories: Ain't That America?, General, General Nonsense, GWOT, Media Matters Not, sarcasm, The Funny

Amusingly, that lugubrious old talking prune, NPR’s Daniel Shorr was coming out on the side of being all sensitive and being responsible about “using the power of the press” as regards the Matter of the Danish Cartoons. (Doesn’t that sound like a very dull Sherlock Holmes adventure, or the worst name for a war since the “War of Jenkins’ Ear”?) Just like the pet professor of international relations whom my local paper keeps on hand to drivel on about the Moslem world and international relations, and how the US must…must…zzzzz… oh, sorry. Dozed off there for a moment. I do that when reading the gentleman’s editorials, but so do probably most of his students.

Anyway, predictable, dull, predictable… oops, did I say that already? Anyway, both these prize examples of overpaid old media had pretty much the same take… the cartoons were horrible! Vile! Insulting! And the major media had done a Good Thing by not putting them out in front of us proles so we could make up our own mind… which is that they are only a little more tame than a Dick and Jane grade school reader. Poor, innocent and clueless Mr. Shorr also alledged that said cartoons were very difficult to find and view… at which statement I can only shake my head in pity and hope that someone in the NPR studio will either enlighten him about this internet and search engine thingy, or hand him a box of Kleenex to wipe off the senile drool.

And besides, if the Danish Cartoons were the far end in vile insult to Islam in general, then a great many parties are in for a most awful shock. Oh, yes, in accordance with my call to comic arms of several years ago, we have just begun to take the piss, point the finger, and laugh, laugh, laugh.

(The Dutch website would, of course be far more amusing to those who actually can speak Dutch, but some of the entries are in English… and some of them are quite understandible, as well as being not work-safe, in the strict meaning of the word. I really have to admire the mad Photoshop skilz, though. Thanks to Rantburg and Silent Running, and the Instapundit, whose thunderous tread shakes the whole blog-world.)

05. February 2006 · Comments Off on Rolling Stones at the Super Bowl · Categories: General Nonsense, That's Entertainment!

Well…this is about as exciting as the first half. And they’re singing the Windows Commercial.

People actually spend money to watch these guys?

03. February 2006 · Comments Off on Caption This One (060203) · Categories: General Nonsense

(U.S. Air Force photo by Capt. James Bressendorff)

I’m going to stick with a military theme from here on out so if you see a good one, please send me a link.

Winners Monday.

More Bloggy Caption Fun:
Wizbang
Outside the Beltway

02. February 2006 · Comments Off on Buy Chris Muir a Beer · Categories: General Nonsense

Anyone who runs into Chris Muir, please buy him a beer for me…a good one, don’t be cheap.

That just goes so well with Mom’s post below.

31. January 2006 · Comments Off on The Best Thing About This Year’s “State of the Union” · Categories: Ain't That America?, Domestic, General Nonsense, Politics, That's Entertainment!

…it shortened a horrific American Idol by an hour.

And yes, I’m saying this BEFORE the speech.

Update: Okay, not a bad speech all in all. Beautiful Wife loved Laura looking at him mouthing, “Thanks Babe.”

30. January 2006 · Comments Off on Caption This One (060127) Winner · Categories: General Nonsense

The winner and clearly a man after my own … heart is:

SFC B with: “Laura Bush prepares to demonstrate how her third date with George ended.”

Hey, you want better quality captions, play the game.

27. January 2006 · Comments Off on Caption This One (060127) · Categories: General Nonsense

Couldn’t help it, had to do it:

Winner(s) Monday.

Other Caption Blogginess:

Wizbang
Outside the Beltway
Stuck on Stupid

CLOSED. Play next time.

19. January 2006 · Comments Off on On Tee-Vee Tonight… · Categories: Domestic, General, General Nonsense, That's Entertainment!

Three reasons * to watch “My Name is Earl”

1. It’s the ultimate in raunchy, coarse, politically incorrect and insensitivity on broadcast TV…
2. The protagonist is neither a doctor, cop or lawyer…
3. It’s funny, and doesn’t feel the need to wallop the audience over the head with a laugh-track.

* So that adds up to more than three reasons, depending on how you count. This here blog is not the New York Times.

16. January 2006 · Comments Off on Caption This One (060113) Winner · Categories: General Nonsense

1. President Bush relives his last debate with John Kerry. Rodney Dill.

And ya give me more than 10 next time, I’ll give ya more than one winner.

13. January 2006 · Comments Off on Caption This One (060113) · Categories: General Nonsense

Other Captioning Silliness:
Wizbang
It Comes In Pints?
Outside the Beltway.
If you’re doing caption fun, email me or trackback.

I guess I’ll go through and pick the “best of” on Sunday Night/Monday Morning.

11. January 2006 · Comments Off on Best. Blonde. Joke. Ever. · Categories: General Nonsense, The Funny

Over at It Comes In Pints.

Curse you Ken Summers.

Warning. Extreme screen and keyboard damage is probable. Remove all liquid from your immediate vicinity.

Comments closed do to idjits (Robin’s back Mom) giving away the punchline.

07. January 2006 · Comments Off on On Pat Robertson · Categories: General Nonsense, Good God

Let’s look at the official response from the good reverend’s website:

ISRAEL

Robertson Spokesperson Addresses Comments Made by Pat Robertson Regarding Ariel Sharon

VIRGINIA BEACH, VA., January 5, 2006—Pat Robertson expresses his deep sadness over Ariel Sharon’s life threatening stroke and concern for Israel’s future security.

On The 700 Club broadcast this morning Robertson said he has met with Sharon at significant times and considers him a friend. Robertson, an ordained minister and bible teacher, has been a life long supporter of Israel and has continually expressed grave concern over dividing the land of Israel. Robertson pointed to the book of Joel in the Old Testament to show a biblical perspective of God’s view of Israel and efforts made from people who try to divide God’s land:

“In the book of Joel, the prophet Joel makes it very clear that God has ‘enmity against those who divide My land.’ God considers this land to be His. When you read the Bible, He said this is my land. For any Prime Minister of Israel who decides he will carve it up and give it away, God said, “No, this is Mine.”

According to his spokesperson, Angell Watts, Robertson is simply reminding his viewers what the Bible has to say about efforts made to divide the land of Israel.

She also expressed Dr. Robertson’s outrage at People for the American Way, who have a clear left-wing political agenda and who, on an ongoing basis, lift his comments out of context and widely circulate them in an attempt to discredit him.

Okay, so because a book that was composed around 400 B.C. says that the Hebrew God doesn’t like anyone carving up His backyard, somehow this is explanation for what’s happened to the Prime Minister of Israel? Nothing personal, the Bible says it. Oh, and because it’s a liberal group pointing out that this bullshit is bullshit, we’re supposed to be mad at THEM instead.

The Reverend Robertson’s dogma has been run over by his kharma…again.