In the military culture there’s nothing quite as brain-sucking as the “death by PowerPoint” day known as inprocessing, or as the Air Force has chosen to call it, “Right Start.” This is a full day of sitting in the club’s ballroom while a parade of briefers, who may or may not know the material they’re briefing, comes before you and explains in full detail what they do for a living and what to do if you need them. These used to end with, “If you have any further questions, call us at ext: ####.” These days they tend to end with “If you have any further questions, check out our FAQ at www.####.mil.” Some functions don’t even bother coming to fill you in on their function any more; they simply have a sys admin guy come in to tell you where to find their website. This is for our convenience. Okay, this is because they need to cut even more of our folks so the big boys can pay for their new toys. I know the fleet is old. I know some of the bombers are older than I am. But even my Airman Basic has been heard to mutter, “Haven’t they heard of a scheduled refresh?” Indeed. But now I’m way off the point and truly funny stuff is coming.
Most of the briefings were dull and lifeless. The briefers are forced to perform their song and dance/media show twice a month, every month, rain, shine, snow or antelope rut. One briefer stood out because of his passion. He helped develop the program he was briefing and truly believed in it.
The Air Force’s latest and greatest bid to get our folks to stop drinking like idiots is simply known as 0013: Zero tolerance for underage drinking, zero DUIs, one drink per hour, no more than three drinks per night. The briefer had emphasized over and over again that the Air Force was not trying to tell you not to drink, but had a plethora of information on what happens to you when you drink too much. I guess someone in the Surgeon General’s office finally noticed that alcohol related incidents among our young people as a whole, was a national health crisis. This scares me in a way. If it took a focused study this tells me that the Surgeon General didn’t go to college and hasn’t visited a military installation in the past 20 years. I guess kids are starting to binge drink as young as age nine now. Hell, even I waited until I was 14. You all are going to start seeing much more information on underage drinking hitting your radio and TV if you haven’t already. The airman/briefer also had a ton of information on what drinking too much does to your body. Thanks…NOW they tell me. And all those years I thought that the brain cells that were dying were actually paying attention to Darwin. Had I but known…no, I still would have drank like a drunk, but that’s what I do, which is why I don’t drink anymore.
The simple number 0013 is a tickler. The idea is that the numerical string will stick in your head better than “Buddystyle Beer reminds you to drink responsibly.” There are 0013 stickers and posters all over the freaking place. That’s all they say: 0013. Done up in purple and electric green so they catch your eye and perhaps make you a bit queasy. I had known it had something to do with preventing DUIs and such, but I didn’t know what the whole deal was until yesterday.
The truly fun part comes in to play with the way the Commander is handling off-base drinking. He simply sent a letter to the local public houses and clubs explaining the concept of 0013 and notifying the owners of those establishments that any of them who didn’t want to play, would be put on the off-limits list. You serve my underage folks; I’ll ban all of them from your bar. You over-serve my folks, the same will happen. Having been a bartender, the idea of trying to keep track of who’s had how many per hour on a payday weekend makes my head hurt, but that’s nothing compared to the idea of a small town bar outside a military installation being cut off from their biggest cash flow. You could kill a bar if you ban your folks from it.
I guess the Army is getting ready to appropriate the idea, as well as the Navy and Marines. Colleges are approaching the Air Force to find out what the deal is and how they can get in on it. The Lt Col who developed the concept has retired and is now hiring himself out as a consultant, truly the American Dream there.
The libertarian that lives inside my head is, of course, screaming its fool head off. “They can’t DO that! People don’t need nanny government in every area of their lives!” A wiser voice is simply replying, “Yeah, but kids are dying at a ridiculous rate and look what alcohol did for us.” That tends to shut him up. And if you’re disturbed by the idea that I actually talk to the voices in my head, try to remember that I’m grateful that they’re finally down to only arguing with me one at a time. The staff meetings I used to have with myself when I was drinking were brutal.
Later that day we had a bit of a tour around base with the civilian head of Services Squadron who, by the way runs our local Club on base. He’s an older gentleman, getting ready to truly retire, having served on active duty before becoming a civilian worker. Someone asked him about his take on 0013 and he simply smiled and said, “We haven’t had an incident at or out of this club in over 10 years…if you have too much, we make sure you get home. I’m old school, we take care of our own.”