From: Sgt Mom
To: Various
Re: Election Day, 2004
1. To: M.Chiraq, and the usual lefty-intellectual set—- try not to choke on the bile. It turns out that we don’t really care what you think of us. Really. Trust me on this one. We.Do.Not.Give.A.Rat’s.Ass.
2. To: All those Hollywood half-wits who threatened to leave the US if Bush were re-elected—Byeeeeee!! Don’t forget to leave your new address at the post office, and stop the paper delivery. Provence and Tuscany are lovely this time of year, but Northern Europe tends to get kind of chill and dreary. Tahiti is nice year-round, though. Drop us a Christmas card or something, once you get settled.
3. To: The White House Press Corps— four more Augusts (snicker….) in Crawford (giggle…..) Texas (snork!) the original home of hot, dusty and dull. (Bwah-ha-haha!!!!) You mopes haven’t figured out yet— he does this deliberately to yank your chain!
4. To: Michael Moore: Just one leetle, thin, thin mint… ju-s-s-st one more leetle bite…
5. To: Citizens of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts: You have your senator back, with our regards and thanks. Please find him something useful to do.
6. To: Tee-ray-sa: Sorry, girl, it would have been fun for us observers, but four years of trying not to be a walking lighting-rod for political controversy would have put you into the Betty Ford Clinic for months at a stretch. Life is too short to squeeze yourself into a role you do not naturally fit.
7. To: Mainstream Big Media: Nice try, a**holes. The next time you try and wrap up the highest office in the land in a big pink bow and present it like a birthday present to the one you have pre-selected, try and pick a candidate who is a bit more than an empty and ornamental suit. Thanks for your consideration in this matter.
8. To: Osama bin Lade, Yassir Arafat, and Ayman al Zawhari: You guys are still alive??? Damn… oh, well— we’ll be seeing what we can do about that.
9. To: The Blogosphere; don’t break your arm patting yourself on the back. Put on the pajamas and get back to work. We can take a break with some cat pictures, though.
10. To: The US Armed Forces: Whew! Dodged that bullet! Back to work, too— places to go, people to beat.
11. To: International/National Media: Guys and gals, you really need to get away from the coasts and check out the flyover country more. You are missing too much. Please be assured that us middle Americans are generally friendly, polite and well-behaved, and local food like breakfast tacos, tri-tip, Key lime pie, and barbeque is to die for. You don’t have to eat Jell-O salads if you don’t want to. Really.
Sincerely,
Sgt. Mom