28. January 2005 · Comments Off on Memo for the “Honorable Gentleman” from Massachusetts* · Categories: General, Rant

To: Senator Edward Kennedy
From: Sgt Mom
Re: Exit Strategy

1. Allow me to break it to you gently, Senator: there is an exit strategy in place for American troops in Iraq. It calls for leaving when Iraq is a democratic, stable and prosperous country, and the majority of bitter-end Baathists and traveling jihadi wanna-bees are either in the jug, in the grave or taking up more sedentary hobbies like needlepoint or building ships in bottles… and not one damned minute sooner.

2. Any publicized plan involving predetermined quantities of troops and calendar dates for withdrawing is an invitation to disaster…not for us, of course. For the Iraqis. Just like it was for the South Vietnamese. You remember South Vietnam, Senator Kennedy? Put down the whiskey bottle and concentrate, man. We had an exit strategy there, too… phased troop withdrawals, a set schedule, all that. It worked really, really well. Still can’t remember? Try the words “sell-out”, or “betrayal”, or even “left in the lurch”. Still can’t remember? Tell you what, there must be some nice Vietnamese restaurants in Boston or Washington… go get some pho or some spring rolls, and strike up a conversation with the owner or manager, I am sure they can fill you in, especially if they are about fifty or sixty or so.

3. Now that we have gotten that straight, it occurs to me that we could use an exit strategy for American troops in a couple of countries which are now democratic, stable and relatively prosperous: Germany and South Korea come to mind immediately. Please turn your piercing intellect and dazzling command of foreign policy matters towards an exit strategy from kasernes and camps there.

4. Oh, and while you are pondering, please come up with an exit strategy for departing the UN, too. With a little practice, this exit strategy stuff could really catch on, and we are relying on you to do your bit… just as long as someone else does the driving, mmmkay?

Sgt. Mom

*Note: these are not “scare” quote marks. These are “viciously skeptical” quote marks.

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