07. July 2007 · Comments Off on A Milestone to Remember · Categories: General, General Nonsense, sarcasm, Site News

As of approximatly 6 PM, CST, this blog passed a not-insigificant milestone… our 200,000 auto-spam comment!

Yes, of course it was deleted… and, thanks to the anti-spam software installed by Timmer (all hail, all hail!) sometime around Christmas, none of these disgusting abominations actually sifted through to be posted. But the software includes a spam-o-meter. It was kind of like watching the odometer of the VEV turn over to 200,000. I can vividly recall that moment! It was while I was driving to work at Lackland AFB – On the 90, just a little way east of Wilford Hall… but a little uncertain about the year. Say early fall, 1996, just before I retired from the USAF!

I run my nimble fingers through the moderation queue a couple of times a day, heartlessly emptying them, all these pitifully miss-spelled attempts to look like a chummy, friendly comment, flogging prescription drugs, diverse alternate sexual experiences and perversities, payday loans… and now and again the occassional almost-legitimate looking business or service, which looks almost embarrassed at being caught in such disreputable surroundings.

Really, most of the spam comments are of such resounding stupidity as to make me wonder why on earth they bother. Absolute gibberish with a link to a website flogging pharmaceuticals sent out several hundred times over to the same website isn’t likely to last long enough to garner a link or two… nor is a vaugely complimentary mention of the colors and design of this site, especially if it has been sent about three or four hundred times with the same exact errors in spelling. And a comment larded with a hundred links to assorted pharmaceuticals or sexual kinks… like, if it wouldn’t make it through a Yahoo spam filter, why would it make it through ours?

Anyway, thought I would make a note of this. Carry on with your regularly assigned duties.

09. June 2007 · Comments Off on Absolutely the Very Last Word · Categories: Ain't That America?, General, General Nonsense, sarcasm, Stupidity, That's Entertainment!

On Paris Hilton. Really. I promise. I also promise you won’t stop laughing.

09. June 2007 · Comments Off on Art Appreciation · Categories: Ain't That America?, Domestic, General, General Nonsense, World

This has nothing much to do with the topic at hand, but I would like a t-shirt that says “As a matter of fact I am not a $#@!ing tourist, I live here!”… but Blondie says that would be rather too hostile. And what brought that on? Oh, just the experience of going downtown late yesterday morning, intending to partake in the multicultural delights of the Texas Folklife Festival, which we had heard was starting on Friday.

Which it was… but not until Friday afternoon at 5:00 PM. So we decided to prowl the little art galleries and shops in La Villita, instead. It’s a collection of very old houses, nearly the oldest in San Antonio, most of which were restored over the last thirty or forty years or so; electricity and plumbing being added to them with considerable difficulty. A good few have very low doorways, and very thick walls, and once were heated (if at all) with tiny fireplaces. The neighborhood is adjacent to the River Walk, and the Alamo… even if the shops and galleries offer merchandise that is a couple of cuts above the usual tourist tat, it remains that nearly everyone wandering through is in fact most usually…from out of town.

And since it was Friday, and there weren’t too many people wandering around, most of the vendors were a little bored and very friendly, well disposed to be helpful; really this part of the world is a very friendly place. If you are antisocial, you’d have to beat them off with a stick, but about the first thing anyone asked was “So, where are you folks from?” I just got tired of growling “From here!” by the fourth or fifth time; hence, the wish for the tee-shirt.

Blondie bought a silver and garnet ring from a small jewelry and art gallery, and admired a bronze cat statuette, one of an issue of fifty, by an artist who lives in Kerrville; she might very well go back and buy it next month. I fell in love with some paintings by another local artist, who does lovely impressionalist Texas landscapes: great sweeps of meadow, or gently rolling hills… but above them the even bigger clouds, piling up in a clear blue sky. It looked like what I saw out of the car windows on last week’s road-trip, so there was no surprise when the gallery manager said the artist lives in Victoria and paints the countryside thereabouts. Oh, yeah… when I’m a rich and famous writer, I want a couple of those!

I couldn’t afford anything at all yesterday, so I had to get my amusement out of describing my ideal piece of Texas kitsch art: it’s a big-ass painting of a field of bluebonnets, with some longhorn cows, standing knee-deep in them. In the background is a windmill, and a tumbledown old barn with the Texas lone-star flag painted on the roof, and the clouds in the sky form the silhouette of the Alamo! Maybe even on black velvet, too! I’d have it somewhere where I could see people’s faces when they looked at it, and know that if they looked absolutely horrified, then they did know something about art. Alas, irony was taking a vacation somewhere away from La Villita yesterday; most of the people I described this vision to said that it sounded rather nice… and did I want to commission an artist, since all they had in stock along that line were painting of bluebonnets only.

My parents had a painting that performed the same function for them; separating those who really knew something about painting from those who just thought they did. It was a painting that had been done as part of a TV show set design; we actually spotted it, once, on an old rerun of a Perry Mason mystery, in the studio of an artist who was the corpse du-jour, about twenty years after a friend of my parents had given it to them.

It was an oceanscape, in blues and blue-greens; the moon over the ocean, with a pier on one side and some rocks along the other, only the rocks were sort of cubist and blocky, and the pier was vaguely impressionalist, and the water in between kind of blah; anyway the colors were pretty and matched Mom’s dining room décor at the time and for years afterwards. Mom and Dad used it as sort of a gauge of taste. Anyone who admired it extravagantly got points of manners but none for artistic taste. Anyone who sort of winced and looked away obviously knew it was a piece of dreck as art, but was too well brought up to say so. Mom and Dad rather relished anyone who had the nerve to come right out and ask what in heck it was hanging on the wall for: one very dear friend cemented their high estimation of his artistic taste by finally asking if he could sit on the other side of the dinner table so he wouldn’t have to look at it.

Summer is here, it’s hot and the clouds are piling up. Some day, with luck, I’ll walk into that one gallery and buy one of the landscape cloud paintings.

09. May 2007 · Comments Off on Another One · Categories: Ain't That America?, Fun and Games, General, General Nonsense, The Funny

…of those e-mailed lists going the rounds:

Number 10: Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9: Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8: Men have two emotions: hungry and horny. f you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7: Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the internet and they won’t bother you for weeks.

Number 6: Some people are like a slinky … Not really good for anything, but you still can’t help
but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5:Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Number 4: All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3: Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial tax cut saves you 30.00?

Number 2: In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take prozac to make it normal.

And the number 1 thought for 2007: We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America but we haven’t got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.

And finally, this little warning: “Life is like a jar of jalepenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow”.

24. April 2007 · Comments Off on Anyone Want to Bet · Categories: Ain't That America?, Domestic, General, General Nonsense, Rant

…That in about twenty-five years, Cheryl Crow will star in an advert for toilet paper?
About a third of the audience will laugh, once they are reminded by someone else who Cheryl Crow is. Another third will ask themselves: You mean the old broad isn’t an actress? She was …what? Really? And the remaining third will not care. At all.

So, anyone else besides me getting tired of being lectured by well-heeled celebrities with lavish personal life-styles about how many pieces of TP we ought to use, and chided about leaving the lights on?

This is what we had grandparents for, people. Shut up and go get another $400.00 hair cut, or a dozen Priuses for your entourage. That or build another 20,000 square foot mansion. Just spare us the damned lecture about our carbon footprint.

19. April 2007 · Comments Off on Pouring Scorn and Derision on Terrorists · Categories: Ain't That America?, Fun and Games, Fun With Islam, General, General Nonsense, sarcasm

I thought we ought to have started stuff like this, ages ago. Here’s one small step on the road to making Binny and Friends a laughingstock.

I thought the line about taking out the Verizon guy was giggle-worthy. Courtesy of Rantburg, one of the finest veins of sarcasm around.

12. April 2007 · Comments Off on Bill Whittle · Categories: General Nonsense, Media Matters Not

…has written yet another essay.

SEEING THE UNSEEN, Part 2:

As usual, the whole thing is so very good, but here’s a taste: 

You know who I blame for this pathetic state of affairs? I blame Leonard Nimoy. I remember watching In Search Of… as a teen and always being just a little disappointed that there was so little – you know, proof — in any one of those episodes. In Search of Atlantis, In Search of Ghosts, In Search of Ancient Astronauts, In Search of the Bermuda Triangle, In Search of UFO’s…, In Search of, in other words, every conceivable hoax and superstition on the face of the planet. And I watched it in spite of the lack of actual proof and I believed it all because it presented one thin string of opinion and falsehood cloaked as “evidence” and no one rebutted a word of it.

“We’re just asking questions” was the official, voice-over disclaimer. You hear that too from the 9/11 Truth crowd when confronted with the lunacy of their claims. We’re just asking questions…

Well, in that vein I’d like to ask some questions myself. Is Michael Moore a serial pedophile? I’m just asking, and I’m sure a lot of my readers would just like to have some questions answered. I heard that Rosie O’Donell ate a baby at a Satanic Ritual once – is that true? Can you please provide the evidence that this did not in fact happen? Thanks. Who has murdered more hookers: Bill Maher or Charlie Sheen? Come on, you can’t tell me there’s no smoke there. I just want a possible explanation…

So that’s what it has come to now. We deserve better.

God damn it, we do.

That’s just a very small part of it, you must go read the whole thing.  Bring a soda, it’s a long one, but don’t skip the setup.

05. April 2007 · Comments Off on YOU KNOW YOU’RE AN AGING DISC JOCKEY WHEN… · Categories: Ain't That America?, Fun and Games, General, General Nonsense, Working In A Salt Mine...

(Courtesy of the FEN news group: One of those nostalgic things going around. I do, in fact, have scars on my fingers from miscalculated cuts, while editing audio tape with a razor blade. Just call me Miss Butterfingers)

– You were first hired by a GM who actually worked in radio before becoming GM.

– Radio stations were no place for kids.

– You excitedly turn the radio up at the sound of “dead air” on the competitor’s station.

– Sales guys wore Old Spice to cover the smell of liquor.

– Engineers could actually fix things without sending them back to the manufacturer.

– You worked for only ONE station, and you could name the guy who owned it.

– Radio stations used to have enough on-air talent to field a softball team every summer.

– You used to smoke in a radio station and nobody cared.

– Engineers always had the worst body odor, not because they worked too hard, but because they just didn’t shower that often.

– You know the difference between good reel-to-reel tape and cheap reel-to-reel tape.

– Religious radio stations were locally owned, run by an old Protestant minister and his wife, never had more than 20 listeners at any given time, and still made money.

– You have a white wax pencil, a razor blade, and a spool of 3M splicing tape in your desk drawer – – just in case.

– You can post a record, run down the hall, go to the bathroom, and be back in 2:50 for the segue.

– You knew exactly where to put the tone on the end of a carted song.

– You only did “make- goods” if the client complained. Otherwise, who cares?

– You can remember the name of the very first “girl” that was hired in your market as a DJ.

– Somebody would say, “You have a face for radio”, and it was still funny.

– Sixty percent of your wardrobe has a station logo on it.

– You always had a screwdriver in the studio so you could take a fouled-up cart apart at a moment’s notice.

– You always had a solution for an LP that ‘skipped’. (usually a paper clip or a dime on the tone-arm, somewhere)

– You would spend hours splicing and editing a parody tape until it was “just right”, but didn’t care how bad that commercial was you recorded.

– You still refer to CDs as “records”. (really old hands refer to them as ET, or electrical transcriptions)
– You played practical jokes on the air without fear of lawsuits.

– You answer your home phone with the station call letters.

– You used to fight with the news guy over air-time. After all, what was more important: your joke, or that tornado warning?

– You knew how to change the ribbon on the Teletype machine, but you hated to do it because “…that’s the news guy’s job.”

– You know at least 2 people in sales that take credit for you keeping your job.

– You have several old air-check cassettes in a cardboard box in your basement that you wouldn’t dream of letting anyone hear anymore, but, you’ll never throw them out or tape over them. Never!

– You can still see scars on your finger when you got cut using a razor blade and cleaned out the cut with head-cleaning alcohol and an extra long cotton swab on a wooden stick.

– You still have dreams of a song running out and not being able to find the control room door. (I have nightmares about the various players not working, or the control board has magically reconfigured itself)

– You’ve ever told a listener “Yeah.I’ll get that right on for you.”

– You have a couple of old transistor radios around the house with corroded batteries inside them.

– People who ride in your car exclaim, “Why is your radio so loud?”

– You remember when promotion men brought new LPs to the station – and you played them the same day.

– You have at least 19 pictures of you with famous people whom you haven’t seen since, and wouldn’t know you today if you bit ’em on the ass.

– You wish you could have been on “Name That Tune” because you would have won a million bucks.

– You even REMEMBER “Name That Tune”.

– You were a half an hour late for an appearance and blamed it on the directions you received from the sales person.

– You’ve run a phone contest and nobody called, so you made up a name and gave the tickets to your cousin.

– You remember when people actually thought radio was important.

17. March 2007 · Comments Off on The Top Ten Signs That You’re Being Stalked By A Leprechaun · Categories: Fun and Games, General, General Nonsense, The Funny

(More e-mail fun, for St. Patrick’s Day)

Generic-looking green van parked across the street with Notre Dame bumper sticker.

Every time you turn around the pitter-pattering stops and that green fire hydrant seems to have gotten a little closer.

Green lipstick marks on the butt of your Dockers.

You’re being followed by a large woman with a sultry voice and a dying career. (Oops! That’s a sign you’re being stalked by Chaka Khan.)

You don’t recall owning an anatomically correct lawn gnome.

Card delivered with the bouquet of 4-leaf clovers reads, “I bet you’re magically delicious!”

When you come home from work, the potatoes are missing from the cupboard and your parrot is singing “Danny Boy.”

Prank caller has a really corny Irish accent, and Richard Gere has an airtight alibi.

Those tiny green hairs on your toilet seat.

Sultry voice from shower soap dish asks, “Is that your shillelagh, or are you just happy to see me?”

Pink hearts, yellow moons, blue diamonds scratched on your car at knee-level, and Ross Perot is nowhere to be found.

Them little green pellets in the litter box ain’t M&M’s, Chester.

Every day this week you’ve noticed the same buckle shoes dangling just above the floor in the stall next to you.

15. March 2007 · Comments Off on Bwahhahahahahaaaaa · Categories: General Nonsense

Overheard on the First Sergeant’s radio:

“Khalid Sheikh Mohammed confessed to every evil on earth today EXCEPT the sinking of the Titanic, he claims Osama handled that one himself.”

My take?  You know that guy who’s like 25 years old and has a “life experience story” for everything that comes up and if you take the time to add it up, he should be about 75?  Yeah, Khalid is like that.  I bet if you asked him he’d say he was at CBGBs when The Clash first came over.

He wants to die that badly?  I say we accomodate him.  I think drowning him in a vat of bacon grease would be right…but we’ve already agreed that it’s a good thing I’m not in charge.

14. March 2007 · Comments Off on …There’s Always Something to Remind Me · Categories: General Nonsense

People either love or hate the Geico Cavemen.

If you’re one of the former, check out their crib.

18. February 2007 · Comments Off on Random Rants (070218) · Categories: General Nonsense, Rant

It’s not that I don’t care about the current political situation or what’s happening in Iraq, it’s more that I’m so disgusted with the situation that I simply can’t bring myself, on most days, to even think about talking about it. Let me be clear here. The fact that we don’t even have Baghdad secured at this point and that we’re just starting to push back at the Iranians in country completely pisses me off. WTF?!!! On the other side of the aisle, the folks that are talking about cutting funding and that we’ve already lost, and we need to pull out make my blood boil even hotter. You don’t talk shit while your folks are on the ground trying to get things done. Either have the balls to pull us the fuck out or shut the fuck up and give us what we need to get it done.

UPDATE: Congressman Sam Johnson from Texas is much more eloquent.

I know far more about Anna-Nichole Smith than I ever wanted to. Loved the Guess Jeans billboards…otherwise…shrug.

You’ve got to admire Britney Spears dontcha? When that girl melts down, she melts down alllllll the way. You have to forgive me though…I think the bald look is HOT.

It’s only February of 2007. How come I’m hearing about who’s running for President NEXT YEAR? Election years are becoming like Christmas Seasons, they’re backing up earlier and earlier every year. Hell, at this rate, they’ll start running for President as soon as they get elected to the Senate…oh…wait…

I caught the repeat of SNL’s Christmas Show last night. Justin Timberlake is a funny guy. Not my style of music, but he doesn’t suck at that either.

Buying a house is stressful and gives me mild anxiety attacks. We’re so lucky we have a good realtor and a decent credit union. They’ve literally held our hands through the whole process.

I HATE job hunting. I’m willing to take a BIT of a pay cut as I transition to civilian life, but some of these corporations are on DRUGS if they think I’m willing to start at half my current salary. I’m in the freaking Air Force. We’re just above the poverty level for Chrissakes.

How come STATE OF THE BLACK UNION isn’t considered racist?

Why do these people who keep talking about Katrina recovery keep wanting MY money to fix the problems? I didn’t choose to live in a freaking time bomb and I resent the fact that they want MY money to rebuild in an area that’s still below sea level and will flood AGAIN if another hurricane hits. Pardon me, but go fuck yourselves.

25. January 2007 · Comments Off on Random Rants (070125) · Categories: General Nonsense

Does it creep anyone else out that I have a cold and PJ Media is advertising Thera-Flu?

“Make This Go On Forever” by Snow Patrol is one of those songs that gets in your head and crawls around until you have to play it AGAIN just to turn it off…for awhile…and then it sneaks up again. Either that or the Alka Seltzer has better drugs than I thought.

Okay, how did Loggins and Messina sneak onto my “Alternative/Punk” playlist? Out of the iPod longhair!

OMFG! Therapy?! He’s going to therapy?!! What if the other guy was doing Joan Rivers impersonations and offering to do a fabulous wall treatment in his dressing room? Even other faggots would call him a faggot. I’m telling you, this PC bullshit is going to destroy us all. You watch, the next thing that will happen is that scientists who don’t accept Global Warming will be sent back to school for recertification.

I know, I can’t seem to leave this alone…it really bugs me. I’m not saying that people who use hate speech aren’t assholes, they are, but can we just write them off as assholes without turning it into some sort of mental illness? I use the word “faggot” and my gay friends slam me back with “breeder” or “butch boy” and we all know we’re joking. No big deals. If I were to lash out at one of them and drop the “f” bomb in a hateful way, I’d probably wind up apologizing for being an asshole…unless they were flaming out of control in an inappropriate time and place and then I’m sorry…all bets are off.

Of course…if I were more cynical…I might just think that in the current culture of “controversy IS advertising” that the whole thing was somehow…acted out…scripted…engineered behind the scenes as a way to give Grey’s Anatomy more advertising just as they’re changing nights…if I were more cynical.

21. January 2007 · Comments Off on Musings On A Winter Day · Categories: General Nonsense, My Head Hurts, Pajama Game, sarcasm

What with the day job (which lately has stretched into evenings and weekends) my blogging time has been nil. While I have a few topics in my head that are deserving of in-depth consideration, today I am inclined to touch on various and sundry observations.

I finally got Red Haired Girl’s Mac Mini to run Windows – a project done in starts and stops since last month. Having already invested a small bundle on the computer and various accessories, I could not bring myself to buy yet another Windows package in order for her to run the dozens of Windows games she has. I decided to try using a Windows XP Pro disk that came with a since decommissioned Gateway, however, Apple Boot Camp software requires a disk with SP2 already integrated. In the course of working around this, I discovered a handy little program called nLite which combines all of the required updates onto a single disk. Also of possible interest to Loyal Readers is that it allows you to go into the basic Windows installation disk and eliminate all the crap that you don’t need (Transylvanian keyboard support anyone?). This not only saves hard drive space but speeds up the boot process as well. Windows seems to be functioning, except that the Mac drivers for the Airport 802.11 connection don’t work while in Windows mode (probably a godsend). Sometime in the next thirty day grace period I will have to go through the BS of activating Windows. More on that later.

In addition to Radioparadise, a very cool Internet radio station suggested by Kevin Connors some time back, I was recently turned on to Pandora. This free site allows you to set up personalized radio stations by choosing artists or songs that you like. As similar material is played, the user is able to provide feedback that apparently fine-tunes the algorithm to improve automatic selections. The only downside is that there doesn’t seem to be any way of ripping the music to a file.

My day job has recently brought me back into frequent interface with the ops side of the house; I’ve spent the past few years in the relatively parochial world of patents. For the most part, my recent project has been a stimulating experience, with opportunities to work with some very bright and motivated people. However, there seems to be a certain genre of manager that I call Dilbert II, The New Generation. They can usually be identified by such phrases as “I’ve been working on a PowerPoint presentation all morning” (as a non sequitur opening statement in a meeting of at least a dozen people who could not care less), or “That’s an excellent question” (in response to an obvious question asked in frustration because another Dilbert II type has repeatedly ignored it). Dilbert II person usually then proceeds to ask (what he thinks is) a very good question which, more often than not, confirms to everyone present that he is completely lacking in any clue as to what the issues really are. As a footnote to this particular rant, Timmer’s recent post “What Is An Airman?” indicated that this is not a purely civilian phenomenon. I mean, an Airman’s creed of not pencil-whipping training reports?

The last rant reminds me of a question I have been meaning to ask. Does anyone remember a hilarious USAF training film on ejection seat development that was shown at least into the early seventies? All of the tests for each development phase were conducted with a different holiday theme, i.e., present were the Easter bunny, Santa, etc. In the first, the test “pilot” struts to the device with total and complete confidence – after which the test is a complete failure and he gets fairly well banged up. Subsequent tests, although showing improvement in the technology, are equally brutal on the pilot. Toward the end, the technicians have to drag him to the test stand, covered in bandages, smoking cigarettes, and, as I recall, swigging from a bottle of hootch. That film defined for me what it means to be an Airman, and if anyone has it I would love to buy a copy

A couple of recent news items caught my attention (and raised the hairs on the back of my neck). First was the unidentified stench that pervaded New York city and which was first thought to be a natural gas leak. Subsequent investigation ruled that possibility (and the general accusation that New Jersey stinks) out, but no cause was ever identified. Then there was the individual who was captured on an LA subway surveillance video (who knew they had subways in LA?) pouring six ounces of mercury onto the ground. He then apparently called 911 which led to the dispatch of a HazMat team – eight hours later. The authorities claimed that there was no indication that either incident was terror related. Maybe they don’t have hard evidence to that effect, but the former sounds like the LA response team performance was being probed, and the latter sounds like a dry run for a dirty bomb/poison gas/biological agent attack. Remember kids, we are not being paranoid if they really are out to get us.

I have decided to go back and read several of the Federalist Papers to remind me why it is important to pay attention to the ’08 campaign season. I’m with Timmer on this one; I really don’t want to “chat” with Hillary. And the notion of her executing Article II Section 2. constitutional powers positively makes my skin crawl.

14. January 2007 · Comments Off on Self-Cleaning Underwear · Categories: Air Force, General Nonsense

When I heard this on Weekend Update on Saturday Night Live…I KNEW it was fake news.

Apparently not:

Self-Cleaning Underwear Goes Weeks Without Washing.
Self-cleaning fabrics could revolutionize the sport apparel industry. The technology, created by scientists working for the U.S. Air Force, has already been used to create t-shirts and underwear that can be worn hygenically for weeks without washing.

The new technology attaches nanoparticles to clothing fibers using microwaves. Then, chemicals that can repel water, oil and bacteria are directly bound to the nanoparticles. These two elements combine to create a protective coating on the fibers of the material.

Not much leaves me without words but this one…I’m kind of lost. It’s just too funy on its own.

10. January 2007 · Comments Off on A Little Bit of Silliness…. · Categories: General, General Nonsense, Memoir

For some reason tonight, I was reminded of a bit of silliness from my young adulthood. A wee bit of doggerel, if you will, in which I laid bare my soul to my neighbors and landlord, and expressed my dissatisfaction with my living conditions at that time.

I had graduated college, with no idea what I was going to do next, and while trying to figure that out, was working at the university bookstore, as a shipping and receiving clerk. To make ends meet, I was rooming with a friend in a former frat house that had been converted to something like a boarding house (sans meals). The rent was minimal, there were at least 3 bathrooms, a full kitchen, and my friend and I were the only females living there. We were an over-sized family, a bit heavy on the brothers, but still a family, and so it didn’t bother us that we didn’t have a key to our room. The door locked, if we were inside, we just couldn’t lock it when we left each day. The fraternity rep promised to get us a key, but when I moved out in March, we were still key-less.

The agreement was that the fraternity, which still owned the house, would provide basic amenities – toilet paper (3 rolls in each bathroom at all times), snow shoveling, trash dumping (“Just leave it in the hall. Our resident mgr will collect it daily”). That kind of thing. Everything else was up to us, as tenants. We were all either students or recent graduates, so it sounded great.

This would have been… fall 1983/winter 1984. I moved out of there before spring, getting ready to go to Air Force Basic Training. It was a good situation, as situations go. Great roommate, good neighbors, easy-going, laid-back environment, with everyone caring enough about hygiene that we weren’t overrun by vermin due to unwashed dishes and the like.

But there were some flaws. Management flaws. Landlords not keeping up their end of the bargain flaws. Little irritations that pile up until you just can’t take it anymore flaws.

And finally, one dark winter evening, I’d had enough. So I wrote the following, and posted it where it was certain to be seen – on the wall next to each of the toilets. I signed it “anonymous,” of course, but I’m pretty sure everyone knew the author. I dont know that anything improved after that, but I felt better. Over 20 years later, it’s still one of my favorite bits of silly writing.

Ballad of a Tenant’s Rebellion

I am but a simpleton,
believing lies told by a man
who promised life’s amenities
for paying monthly rent.

And so I pay,and so it goes.
I’ll catalog my daily woes.
Amenities are near extinct,
but I’m paying monthly rent.

My door won’t lock, for lack of key.
Trash piles, unheeded, in the halls.
Unshoveled snow begs me to fall.
While I’m paying monthly rent.

But worst of all, the very worst –
what makes this man by me be cursed.
A certain roll, of paper made,
is not speedily replaced.

A horse I’m not, e’en less a cow,
to wipe my bottom with my tail.
Tissues will not quite suffice –
three rolls, as promised, would be nice.

I’m certainly a simpleton,
for believing lies told by this man.
But if amenities remain extinct,
I’ll stop paying monthly rent.

28. December 2006 · Comments Off on Questions of the Day (061228) · Categories: General Nonsense

Does anyone else find it weird that it’s almost 2007?  I mean, I KNOW time has gone by but it just feels somehow wrong that we’re well more than half way to the teens.  Where did this decade go?

While I’m thinking about it, has anyone figured out what the hell we’re calling this decade?  The “Oughts?”  The “Zeros?”  The “Ohs?”

 

17. December 2006 · Comments Off on Yay Us · Categories: General Nonsense, Site News

Apparently we’re number 1.

“You” have been named as Time magazine’s Person of the Year for the growth and influence of user-generated content on the internet. The US magazine praised the public for “seizing the reins of the global media” and filling the web’s virtual world.

Time has been giving its controversial awards since 1927, aiming to identify those who most affect the news.

Is there a cash prize? The cost of toys this year is about to make me cry.

09. December 2006 · Comments Off on Pouring Ridicule and Scorn… · Categories: Ain't That America?, General, General Nonsense, sarcasm, The Funny

…upon certain so-called celebrities who either cannot afford underpants or who have never been schooled on how to exit an automobile gracefully while wearing a short skirt.

Not quite safe for work, though… or the family hour, unless your family is Paris Hilton’s. Link found through of 2 Blowhards who found it someplace else… but scroll down, the other stuff is hysterical.

24. November 2006 · Comments Off on Noggin Bloggin’ (061124) · Categories: General Nonsense

I haven’t mentioned anything about head shaving in quite awhile. There’s just not that much to write about it and after all, it’s just another hair, or lack of hair, style. But I thought I’d give an update for those two or three people that might care.

I do go through periods of changing how often I shave my head depending on how lazy I am that week. Sometimes I don’t shave more than twice a week. Sometimes I shave every other day. Sometimes I shave every day. I don’t go less than twice a week because the irritation involved in shaving once a week is just not worth it. I don’t let it go much longer than four days. On those odd weeks that I do, I have to electric shave it first otherwise…damn…that just hurts.

I’ve tried different shave cremes and different razors. Beautiful Wife doesn’t give me a hard time about it. I let her go crazy whenever she’s near Burt’s Bees Wax products so she puts up with my searching for the most comfortable shave.

For shaving creme I broke down and spent the money and tried Aveeno’s Therapeutic Shave Gel. I’ve stopped looking for shaving creme. It works. Well. Beautiful Wife even commented on how well it works on her legs and pits. It’s a keeper.

I hate to admit this after making fun of it before, but I tried and LOVE the Gillette Fusion. My face hasn’t been smoother since I was a kid and it shaves the noggin with practically NO irritation what-so-ever. Seriously, five blades are better than three and I thought I’d never give up my Mach 3. You’ll have a hard time convincing me that I need MORE than five blades though.

14. November 2006 · Comments Off on The Revenge of Bullwinkle · Categories: General, General Nonsense, My Head Hurts
STOCKHOLM (Reuters) – A drunken elk is terrorizing children at a school in southern Sweden.

“That could be the problem. We could be dealing with a boozy elk,” Jan Caiman, a police officer in Molndal, told the national news agency TT.

The elk was probably eating fermented apples in a garden and had become inebriated, Caiman said.

Elk can weigh as much as 500 kilos (1,100 lb) and personnel at the school described the erratic male as “completely mad.”

“The children are really scared,” the receptionist at the school near Molndal in southern Sweden told the Gothenburg Post.

Caiman said police had contacted hunters and that if the elk did not calm down, it could be shot.

And somewhere Rocky is laughing his furry butt off.

14. November 2006 · Comments Off on Hehehe, She Said “Balls” · Categories: General Nonsense

Okay, tune out O’Reilly and just mostly watch Kirsten Powers, a woman who single-handedly may be saving the image of the Democratic Party.  Her and Malkin have some of the best debating going on these days.  And really, how sad is that when you think about it?  Go watch Malkin completely drop her perfect persona and say “balls.”

I think we need a photoshop contest.

Photoshop this caption:

MICHELLE MALKIN ATE MY BALLS!

A little new school, a little old school.  Completely sophmoric.  So…Tuesday.

07. November 2006 · Comments Off on New Spam Filters Installed · Categories: General Nonsense, Site News

Please let me know if you have any problems posting or commenting. And by that I mean email me because…obviously if you’re having trouble commenting…

Not that I’ll get to it until much later tonight…I’ve got my monthly appointment with my massage therapist and NOBODY gets in the way of that.

TMI? Only if you’ve got a vivid imagination and some idea of what I look like nekkid. Otherwise, it’s kind of pretty when you think about it.

Thanks.

07. November 2006 · Comments Off on More CyberCommand · Categories: General Nonsense


By Beth the ‘Bama Pachyderm.


By Blogoram

Me, I’m still favoring Cowboy Blob’s but I’ll openly admit the anti-Windows bias.

04. November 2006 · Comments Off on Cyber Command So Far · Categories: Fun and Games, General Nonsense


(Richard)


(Cowboy Blob)


(Paul)

03. November 2006 · Comments Off on Let the Savage Mock-Kerry Continue! · Categories: AARRRMY TRAINING SIR!!!, Fun and Games, General, General Nonsense, Iraq, War

Myself, I about wore out my arm two years ago, beating the dead horse that is the junior senator from Massachusetts, but our very own Detailed Recuiter, and his good buddy Station Commando continue the mockery here.

(Golf clap of appreciation) Well done, lads, well done!

03. November 2006 · Comments Off on Talking Back to Spam (061103) · Categories: General Nonsense

But I don’t want bigger breasts.