The Daily Brief

Get your best ad hominem attacks ready for another open thread on Friday.

Update: Ok, here’s the twist: The last time I told you all to keep the attack lines general. Well, now you can get personal – so long as the target of your attack is a public personality. George Bush, Howard Dean, Tom Cruise – all fair game. So put on your best Triumph, Kathy Griffin, or Don Rickles suit, and have at it. You can even go after yours truly, or other popular bloggers (Oh gawd – I’m likely to hear about this on Monday. Well, joke ’em if they can’t take a fuck.).

And no, as much as some of you might want to rip, say, Robin a new asshole, being a regular commenter on this blog does not make one a “public personality.” 🙂

Comments are now open!

It seems that, in contrast to my rather massive body, I’ve got a relatively small head. (This goes to the fact that cranial size has no direct relationship to intelligence. 🙂 )

I’ve come to this realization by way of my sleep apnea condition. Since I was issued my CPAP machine, about 2 years ago, every headset I’ve had has used the smallest nose-cups or nostril-cushions. Now, the new headset I’ve been issued (a Respironics ComfortLite), while being a “medium”, rides all the way over my browline, with gaps everywhere, even though adjusted to almost the smallest settings.

Eek!! I’m a pin-head!!! 🙂

You know, when I first saw her speak in the Katrina aftermath, I found her very familiar. Not familiar in the sense I had seen her before, but familiar like “she looks like someone I’ve seen before.” It hit me this morning who she reminds me of-English actress Kathy Burke as Lynda La Hughes in the British comedy Gimme Gimme Gimme.

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb? It really depends on the dog:

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. And then I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.

Dachshund: You know I can’t reach that stupid lamp!

Rottweiler: Make me.

Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!

German Shepherd: I’ll change it as soon as I’ve led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven’t missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.

Jack Russell Terrier: I’ll just pop it in while I’m bouncing off the walls and furniture.

Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I’m sorry, but I don’t see a light bulb!

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Or “We don’t need no stinking light bulb.”

Greyhound: It isn’t moving. Who cares?

Australian Shepherd: First, I’ll put all the light bulbs in a little circle…

Poodle: I’ll just blow in the Border Collie’s ear and he’ll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

And finally…… How many cats does it take to change a light bulb?

Cats do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. The real question is: “How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?”

ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF!

(Forwarded by regular reader Barbara S.)

Once upon a time, in the middle of the ocean, there was the Island of Trid.

It seems that most of the Island of Trid was covered by a large mountain. On this mountain lived a Giant. The Giant did not allow Trids on his mountain. If a Trid dared to climb onto the mountain, the Giant would kick him into the ocean. Trids are notoriously bad swimmers, and frequently drowned when kicked into the ocean.

The Trids were a very sexual people, and the population had grown
quite large. Every square inch of the island, except the mountain, was
crowded with Trids.

The Trids spent their days crowded together, dreaming of the open space available on the ever visible mountain. Every few days, a Trid would decide he couldn’t stand the crowds any more. He would start to climb the mountain, and the Giant would kick the Trid into the ocean.

The Trids were a very depressed people.

One day a traveling Rabbi visited the Island of Trid. Despite theirovercrowded conditions, the Trids were extremely generous to this man of God.

The Rabbi decided to return the favor, and to go plead the Trid’s case to the Giant. “Surely the Giant can be convinced to share some of the mountain with you,” the Rabbi explained.

The Trids were horrified. “Please don’t go, Rabbi”, the Trids implored. “The Giant will kick you into the ocean, and you will surely drown.”

The Rabbi was stubborn, and insisted that he talk to the Giant. The Trids sent out every boat they had. They formed a ring around the island, so that they would be able to rescue the Rabbi.

The Rabbi started walking towards the mountain. No sign of the Giant.

He walked through the foothills, and there was no sign of the Giant.

He started up the slopes of the mountain, further than any Trid had ever been. Still no sign of the Giant.

Finally he reached the summit of the mountain. There the Giant was waiting for him. The Rabbi asked “Tell me Giant, why have you allowed me to climb to the top of the mountain, without kicking me off the moment I started climbing?”

And the Giant replied, “Silly Rabbi, everybody knows kicks are for Trids!”

Hat Tip: The Purple Peacock

…despair and depression around here, time for a round of funny stories.

Like the one about the guy who was out fishing on the lake in a little boat, and as he stood up to cast his line in the water, his wallet slipped out of his pants pocket. Just as the wallet was about to fall into the water, a large carp rose out of the water and caught the wallet in its mouth. The guy tried to reach for the wallet, and the carp tossed it across the boat… and a second carp came up out of the water, and neatly caught the wallet in its mouth! The guy reached for his wallet again, and the carp tossed it over the boat, just out of reach, to the first carp! The first carp tossed it back, and the guy missed it again, as his wallet went flying over the boat to the second carp!

This is, of course, a historic moment, because it is the very first recorded case of carp to carp walleting!!!

Hey, it’s a Friday… add your own.